Inspired by the fabulous Sisterhood of the Book, I have adopted a name for my inner turtle (also known as my muse, my internal inspiration station, She Who Creates).
And she told me today that she wanted dangly feather earrings and wrist bangles.
So I took her shopping.
And she is very happy. :)
I don't know why I'm sharing this with you except that I want you to know just how very *okay* I am.
Your letters & messages have buoyed me right up out of the ghetto of self-doubt. You. rock. my poptarts. And I am very grateful that I'm priviledged enough to have an opportunity to, in small ways, rock yours.
(Wow. That was a doozy of a sentence.)
Because, listen. Internet Drama? So not even on my radar. A great service is being done for me by the Universe. My rose garden is being pruned. What is being excised is nothing I want anyway. The paring down means we get to have more light, more love.
What I began last year felt like it was going to be my 'forever thing'. And it was beautiful for a while. I knew nothing about group formation, though, and I was ill-prepared for the 'storming' part of the group formation process (Thank you to my LaRue sister who knows who she is for naming this for me!) and I admit: it freaked me out. I felt like my world was coming apart at the seams. Because I *ran away from the storming*, because I didn't *deal in a transparent way* with the stormy ones among us, the group didn't get to move into 'norming and performing'. Wild Precious died. I couldn't stand to be there any longer. Neither could my partner. Yes, I'm admitting I let a few people ruin it for me. Yes, I'm admitting that they won.
But I won, too. Because what I learned from that experience is informing how I handle this bit of stormy weather.
I know better than to run away from the 'storming'. I do things with as much transparency as possible. I don't delete shitty messages left in my worlds. I let people see exactly why someone is being excised from my life like a dangerous, cancerous tumor.
Because, listen. Toxic is toxic. Trying to work with it feeds it. Leaving it alone and moving into spaces where love lives, where encouragement lives, where people know your worth, feeds something in you.
Which would you rather do?
And also. I get that one girl's toxic is another girl's champagne. I don't expect everyone to be allergic to what I'm allergic to.
But I *do* have the right to say "You do not belong in my garden. You are welcome in my foyer or in my front yard or in the house down the block, but I don't want you that close to me."
I will say it nice the first time.
And then I will say it firm.
And if saying "You do not belong in *my* garden" makes me a dangerous person? Then, I embrace that kind of dangerous.
Good boundaries, people.
Get some.
All my love,
Effy
