Ya know. If my ex-best friend had talked to me about *any* of the things that were bothering her before she dumped me, we might have worked things out. Talking about it afterwards (and in public, no less) seems a rather shitty parting shot, but I maintain this: She is a wonderful person and a very talented artist. It is sad and frustrating to me that she prefers to air our dirty laundry on line instead of working things out with me, especially since I never knew what her grievances were, but that's her choice to make. I could go line by line in my own defence, and I admit, I'm very tempted, but I'd rather be happy and at peace than right and in pain. She has her perspective, I have mine.
My perspective is that it's true I made a lot of mistakes running WPS. I was new at it. I was a control-freak. I was anxious. I knew nothing about the phases of group formation. I let drama ruin it for me. I mixed business with friendship.
I failed to make it work. I totally accept that, and my part it in. And yes, when I realized it was a failure, I was more than ready to move on with very little regret. I didn't know it would cost me my most valued friendship.
But, listen. I learned a lot, and I'm proud of persevering and creating something that rocks my life. I have no shame around being a person in perpetual progress. I have no desire to hide just how very fucked up I can be. I'm not here to be perfect or to pretend like I have it all figured out. I'm totally flawed, totally human, and totally okay with it. That doesn't mean I don't struggle. It just means I'm not in denial about having issues, being prone to fail at least as often as I triumph, and being completely clueless sometimes.
I'm fucking sad. I am tired of people dealing 'about me' instead of dealing 'with me'. I can't stand the way the Internet makes dialogue difficult. I am frustrated by passive aggression, by hearsay, by having other people's shadows projected on to me. I have enough shadow of my own without having to deal with yours.
I would like to come to a place where this kind of thing doesn't bother me, and to be honest, when it's just some random person on the Internet, I have learned to let nastiness go. But Maisy was my best friend. I love her. I'm sorry I hurt her, I'm sorry I didn't get an opportunity to hear *from her lips* the ways she felt I'd wronged her, and I'm sorry she decided to dump me and blog about me instead of working things out with me.
Hell is other people, they say. But I still believe the same can be said about heaven. I just need to remember that and focus on that and make that what I notice, appreciate, and nurture in my life.
I'm going to go cry now and work this shittiness out in my art journal.
Please keep your comments respectful of the fact that my guts are hanging out and my heart is fucking broken. I really don't want pity, and I don't care 'who is on my side'. It's not about that. It's about being real about where I'm at.
