If you look in my sidebar over there you'll see a graphic for 'Way Of The Wild Woman', which is a course that is gently paced enough that I have added it to my considerable list of 'stuff I'm doing for myself this year'.
I spent the better part of the morning immersed in looking over the course materials, watching the lovely videos, and undertaking the recommended reading: The introduction from Women Who Run With The Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes PhD.
I took a moment to gather my thoughts on paper after reading:
When I first read this book (over 20 years ago), I was a very young woman who, after having escaped an abusive childhood, landed herself in a series of abusive relationships. At the time, there was balm to be found in the book (especially the story of The Ugly Duckling and the chapter on the feral woman), but I'm reading it from a very different place now, and I'm 'hearing' different things.
On page 9 (in my edition), Dr. E talks about all the various symptoms of having been cut off from Wild Woman. As I was reading, the faces of people I encounter on a regular basis flashed into my mind. I had to forcefully shut the book, shut my eyes and tell myself: Woman! This is for you. Look inward, and only inward. We are not here to diagnose and treat the masses. In your work, you are Priestess, yes. But in here, you are acolyte. You come as beginner. You come with your hands open. You come to be healed, not to heal."
Wild Woman Smack Down!
It was really powerful. I felt Wild Woman stirring, rising up, refusing to be denied. "This is for you" rang like a bell in my ear, and I took a deep breath and went back to reading, releasing all thoughts of who that line might apply to. I looked into the mirror. Into my own eyes. Into my own soul.
There are many symptoms there that used to apply to me but don't any longer. There are some new ones that have arisen as I've stepped into my role as creative midwife and priestess of Awen (Welsh for inspiration).
I am chronically frazzled, furious, fuming. I am all fang and claw too easily where I was once all underbelly and offered throat. The pendulum has swung from submissive, easily turned, easily chased off to alpha: snarling and defending my terrority like my life depends on it (because it does), killing off what is mortally wounded (the Studio), making space for new pups to be born (BOD), running off predators with fire in my eyes and belly...
It isn't comfortable, but then, She is calling me out and when is being called out *ever comfortable*.
I am blessed to be engaging these stories once more, not from the perspective of victim (and oh, was I ever in my victim skin last time I read this) but from the perspective of Healing Woman. I am Healing Woman. Not downtrodden, not oppressed, not abused, not a victim...Healing. In process. Coming out.
***
I'm also working pretty intensely with the archetype of The Red Madonna (with the ever gorgeous Shiloh McCloud), and I realized that Wild Woman and Madonna are two faces of the same Mother. Where Madonna is embodied compassion and mercy, Wild Woman is fiercely protective, fanged and furred. They *seem* completely different, from different ends of the spectrum, but when I think about motherhood (my own, those I've witnessed), I see that Mama wears both these faces interchangeably, unapologetically, authentically.
The Madonna is in the Wild Woman and the Wild Woman is in the Madonna and they are both in me.
***
As I'm learning to let my true essence shine out of my skin as I engage the world, I'm noticing that I swing from Madonna to Wild Woman on a regular basis. Some days, I am all fang and fur and back the fuck off. Other days, I am sweetness and compassion and 'come on in'.
I am reaching for some place in the middle.
Thanks to my teachers, Shiloh and Melissa for giving my true Mother back to me.
